His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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