Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
