I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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