So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
