Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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