I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
