My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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