I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
