I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
PANTIES FOUND
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
