the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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