you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
