party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
