You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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