WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
