Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
