I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
this will be a night to untag.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
