he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
