my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
