Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
