i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
