I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You're like the curious george of whores
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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