can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
