hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
