I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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