smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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