I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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