my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
