Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
