hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
