You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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