He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
