I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
