He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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