Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
