smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
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