I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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