the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he fucked my hip out of place.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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