I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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