i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
