Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
