Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
