did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Randomize
