You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
cat food counts as protein by the way
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
