its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
