I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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