i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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