My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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