I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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