The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Randomize
