cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
The beer is more important than you right now.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
