i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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