Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
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